Hi friend,
Didn’t write last week because the night I set aside to write, I had back-to-school night. Then I never found the time! I kept thinking about what I would write about, and I’m kind of glad I didn’t. I was in a really terrible mood. I’m still in a weird mood, but I’m slowly getting out of it.
I started writing my holistic intentions for April, and it’s helped me figure out what it is that I want to change in my life.
Form my holistic intentions for March I wrote, “I feel unheard, hopeless, and overwhelmed about all the things I am experiencing and going on in the world.” I decided to start writing this newsletter and did.
For April, I wrote, “I feel anxious, confused and guilty about the relationships in my life. I work 50 to 70 hours a week instead of 35, I can’t call and text and visit and organize as much as I used to. I feel drained and spread to thin. I don’t feel able to support others as much as I used to, and now I need support but everyone lives so far away or has their own problems.” I’ve been struggling with this for months, but I finally feel ready to take action.
When I worked in marketing, I had crazy amounts of energy after work; I was an extrovert in an introvert’s job. Now that I am working as a teacher, I am so emptied when I get home I don’t have much to give.
I am grateful that I decided to move to Treehouse. If I didn’t live in a co-living community where hanging out with people is as easy as putting on your slippers and walking upstairs, I am not sure I would see people. I might also have quit my job and moved to London or India or South Korea, my usual coping mechanism for overcoming my depressions.
I write this newsletter surrounded by five friends at our creative projects group in our dining hall, and yet, I keep thinking about my other relationships aka you guys! The magical people I’ve met wandering this planet, who I have deeply connected with and want to stay connected with.
I’ve been thinking over and over again about ways to keep you in my life since I value you all so much, and I’ve definitely overthought it.
I’ve created PowerPoint slides and excel spreadsheets and google forms thinking if I could just create a system, I wouldn’t feel so guilty, I wouldn’t spiral into anxiety. I would be able to show you I love you even though we don’t see each other as much any more, even though we live 5,000 miles a way, even though we have different needs, priorities, and goals.
I keep imagining that if we could all just align ourselves — intentionally create routines and rituals that help us to continue creating beautiful memories - then I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time.
Am I crazy? Do you feel this social guilt too? Or do I just have unrealistic expectations about relationships?
Or is it because I live in the urban sprawl that is Los Angeles? Or is it just a 21st century problem. Maybe, if we were living 100 years ago, we’d all be sitting at the same bar every night getting sick of each other. Or maybe, we’d never have met…
What do you think? Is it hard to be friends with people where you are as well or is this just an LA problem?
On a more positive, solutions-driven thought, would you be down to intentionally create our relationship? I read in How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury about intentional love. She meant this in relation to romantic life partners, but I think it should be applied to all relationships, especially familial and platonic.
Would you talk about this with me? We could sit down and discuss our expectations for each other and where our needs and goals overlap, and then intentionally choose to spend meaningful time together.
Sending you all the love,
Sammy