Hi friend,
Finally, some time to write! Well, to be honest - an inertia to write. I haven’t felt the inertia to share anything here since leaving for my trip. So much has been going on, just taking in everything with no space for this kind of processing and reflection.
I am having an incredible time on my trip. I feel so nourished and loved and such utter sense of peace and belonging and awe. If I saw you on this trip, I am so so grateful for spending time together!
Quality time is my dominant love language, and boy do I feel so so so loved.
I have learned a few things on this trip so far that I would like to share. I apologize if this isn’t written with depth or profoundly. Just trying to document the journey and the musings on the journey and share them with you.
Home is wherever the people you love are.
I have since slept in 14 different places and visited 9 cities, and every place I have felt a sense of belonging because I was with people I loved. It was surprising to felt so comfortable, like I was supposed to be there. The only reason I was supposed to be there was because I was with someone who made me feel like I was supposed to be there, with people who loved me to.
Other than that, I was an anomaly.
Since returning to Los Angeles, I have been looking for home thinking, if I could just move to the right location it would all click into place. Now I think, anywhere can be home is people who love you are there and if you love the people there.
I think it must be returned, it must be both, and I think in the spaces I have occupied in Los Angeles, there is a scarcity of love. Was it because most of the people I loved in the world who loved me weren’t there? That I think was a big part of it.
Most of my friends do not live in Los Angeles. People I have spent the last ten years creating meaningful, joyful relationships are not in LA. Gosh, being with them again after three years - so many gorgeous memories returned. Parts of myself I had forgotten.
Ah, I thought, this is what I have been missing. Nights out, weekend trips, pep talks during coffee breaks, and just saying yes to our silly ideas! These small moments had accumulated together so that after three years apart, it was so easy to build a bridge between our lives and be together again.
During the time I lived in the UK, friendship was by far the thing I prioritized above all else! Before my grades (I got my 3.5 GPA), before my job, before my own physical health (I rarely exercised, drank like a fish, and never thought about work after 5pm or on weekends!).
While I now think balance is important and that good friends help you take care of your health and spend quality time with you and they are not mutually exclusive, I think prioritizing my relationships over my occupation was a great choice.
Who cares that I have yet to publish the novel I’ve been working on for the last ten years! Who cares that I haven’t won an award or make a six figure salary! Who cares that I haven’t bought a house yet. I have such joyful memories and relationships with such special, caring, amazing people that I carry with me everywhere I go.
This leads me to the next thing I’ve learned:
People are not fungible.
A couple years ago when I went through the phase of posting almost every day, I made my cover image the word fungible. I had stumbled upon it, and thought, this is the word that captures my childhood friendships.
Fungible (adjective): to be replaceable
Growing up, I felt like my friends treated me like a toy, and they always wanted a new one. One American girl doll wasn’t enough. They needed six. I don’t know why I felt powerless in these relationships, all I know is that I often felt passed along. My best friend for the year would then make a new best friend, and so I would have to make new friends.
It always felt like they were waiting for a better toy, someone who had more connections to the entertainment world, more money, more clothes. My parents have never valued material objects like that. Our love language has always been quality time and acts of service, and thus, I often found myself no longer being invited.
Since becoming aware of my power and acknowledging I had an anxiety disorder caused by moving countries and schools as a young child, I realize that I could have made more of an effort to hold onto these relationships, to express my hurt or my love, and make them stay. Perhaps, they did not realize how much I cared about them or did not feel needed…
That is the past though and all I can do is learn from it. Instead, I just felt fungible.
When I moved back to LA, five thousand miles away from the people I believed understood and valued me the most, I kept trying to replace those relationships.
They were so far away. They could not help me get to a doctor’s appointment if I needed, they could not help me celebrate my promotion on a Friday night, they could not help me by letting me cry on their shoulder. I would need to make new friends.
Three years later I have finally learned, you can’t just replace people. Each relationship you have is unique. You can’t make a copy of it and retitle it ‘Beth’. It’s special, it’s precious. People bring out different values and dimensions of you, different emotions. Places do this, too.
I will never be the person am in London, in LA - will never have those exact friends or feel those exact feelings, and I am working on being okay with that. I think it makes me human to miss those people, that place. I am working to embrace the change and appreciate the breadth and complexity of the human experience. (I am also working to spend every summer in the UK so… :P)
As much as I love my community and the relationships and the person I am in Europe, this trip has affirmed my choice to live in Los Angeles.
Why?
For me, joy is not enough of a reason to live somewhere; I need meaning and purpose.
Well, I’m feeling tired of writing. Also, to unpack that previous statement would take at least another 1,000 words if not more… Maybe in the next newsletter, I’ll go into that more.
Actually, I probably will - I have had so many ideas, visions, and dreams on this trip and I am very excited to share them, but they are not yet ready to be born. Perhaps after my 43 hour train ride from Chicago to LA they will be fully incubated.
Until then here’s some questions for you to reflect on and respond to this email with:
Why do you live where you live? What makes you stay there? What would make you want to leave?
Is joy enough of a reason to live somewhere?
What is your meaning and purpose? Have you found it yet? Do you think you find your purpose or do you think you make your purpose? Why? Do you think you need to have a purpose to be happy?
Are happiness and joy the same thing?
Are people replaceable? Why or why not?
Have you ever felt replaceable or replaced? What happened? What did you learn?
What is something you have learned in the last month?
Sending lots of love and positive energy to wherever you are!
Sammy
PS. Just a few pictures from my trip! Wish I had been better at capturing some really special moments- I am learning how to take photos while staying present. I will write some poems instead soon! Thank goodness can always create a poem from a memory, not knowing how special it was but later able to visit and preserve for ever.